Funny Quotes

"I did not hit you, I simply high-fived your face"

"Huh? I didn't hear you. I was too busy being awesome"

"Old enough to know better, young enough to do it again"

"I'm not lazy, I'm overflowing with potential energy"

"When everything's coming your way, your in the wrong lane"

"I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder"

"Death is hereditary"

"Always remember that you're absolutely unique just like everybody else"

"They say hard work never hurts anybody, but why take the chance"

"I can only please one person a day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either"

"I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem"

"My family is really boring. They have a coffee table books called, "pictures we took just to use up the rest of the film"

"Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder"

" I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally"

"I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people"

"Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I"

"I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what i meant"

"I am so cleaver that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying"

"The police are looking for a suspect described as sexy, funny and great in bed, you're safe, but where should I hide?"

"I don't do drugs because my idea of fun is not sitting by a corner analyzing string"

"A friend would lend you an umbrella but a best friend would take yours and say run bitch run"

"My friends are the kind that if the house was burning down they would be making smores and hitting on the firemen"

"I'm not the girl your mother warned you about. Her imagination was never this good"

"I'm not a tease, I'm just a reminder of what you can't have"

"I'm not antisocial I just don't like you"

"I may not be perfect but parts of me are pretty awesome"

"I'm not a bitch I just have a low tolerance for bullshit"

"Does your mother know your outside without you helmet again?"

"My inner child is a mean little fucker"

"I envy you, having a friend as stunning as me"

"When God made me he was just showing off"

"I have OCD, but it should be CDO. Alphabetized"

"Me? Sacrastic? Of course not! I'm much to ditzy to grasp the subtitles of mockery"

"You know what would look good on me? You!"

"Everyone is entitled to be stupid but your abusing the privilege"

"I used to think I was indecisive but now i'm not so sure"

"Sometimes its best not to question your friend. Just help them dump the body bag into the river"

"You call me an alcoholic but I call it a damn good time"

"Sometimes I wish I were you, just so I could be friends with me"

"I'm the type of person who walks into chairs and apologizes"

"Friends are God's way of apologizing for family"

"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened"

"If at first you don't succeed, then sky diving is not for you"

"Men, Chocolate, and coffee, are all better rich"

"Procrastinate now, Don't put it off"

"If we quit voting will they go away?

"He who laughs last thinks slowest"

"Top ten reasons I prcrastinate
1. "

"You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there"

"everything is funny as long as its happening to somebody else"

"The old believe everything, the middle age suspect everything, the young know everything"

"Never go to a doctor whose plants have died"

"Brithdays are good for you, studies show that the people who have the most live the longest"

"Apparently the knight in shining armor who was supposed to sweep me off of my feet got lost in the woods"

"Sarcasm helps you from telling people what you really thing of them"

"If you think things can't get worse its probably only because you lack sufficient imagination"